Worried parents, nosy grandparents, and concerned friends, all ask the same question, “So, are you dating anyone?” or better yet “Are you still single?!”
Some of you may only be asked this question during the holidays while others may hear these questions ALL THE TIME. Now I get it. How can a simple innocent well-meaning question have such a negative impact and have the power to completely shift how you feel about yourself and your singledom status. Well, I’m here to remind you that the question is unavoidable but how you choose to answer the question and show up confidently in your answer is what is most important. Here is how to be single, confident, and happy in any situation:
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Own your Relationship Status
A few weeks ago I was reading The Midnight Library by Matt Haig (highly recommend!). It’s about Nora, a thirty-something woman who is regretful about her life. In the depths of her wallowing, she comes across the Midnight Library. In it, each book represents a portal into another variation of what her life could have been.
So without spoilers, Nora chooses to revisit a life in which she is back with an ex-boyfriend thinking she would’ve been happier and more fulfilled. But she quickly learns how miserable that version of her life would’ve turned out.
Sometimes to us singles, the world is painted as “you’d be soooo much happier if you were with someone”. As if single = suffering and relatioships = immense joy. Well, I’m here to tell you that both can be fulfilling!
Being single is just a different kind of experience. We can absolutely choose to be single and lead a very fulfilling life. Being single can allow you to see yourself and the world from another angle than being in a relationship.
So when you get those pestering questions like, “Are you seeing anyone?” or “You’re still single”, say yes! Be confident in your singledom.
Remember this as well, being single doesn’t equal loneliness. A lot of resistance to singledom comes from the fear of loneliness. Many people believe that if they don’t find someone before a certain age, they’ll be doomed to feel lonely forever. I even felt like this for a long time.
To put things into perspective, remember that a lot of couples feel lonely, too. That’s because the physical presence of another person doesn’t guarantee you a deep connection with them. But a deep, intimate connection isn’t only found in romantic relationships. It can be created with many people, provided that you’re ready to take initiative and show vulnerability.
We all want to be in a relationship with the right person because we know that we deserve that. And that can take a lot of time for folks. Instead of jumping into the first relationship that you see, take the time to get to know yourself, figure out your own life goals, and meet someone who compliments you and adds value to your life.
Because if you’re jumping into a relationship to stop hearing the questions, guess what, sooner or later those questions will just turn into, “When are you getting married?” or “Babies soon?!”
You’d also need to show your “perfect” marriage off to the world! If you didn’t have an immaculately clean house, two well-behaved children, a rotation of healthy meals, impeccable work-life balance, and a happy disposition in public, then you’ve failed anyway.
The curious questions and judgment will never end so focus on making decisions that make you happy rather than everyone else.
-True times two
I know that it doesn’t help that this burden falls primarily on women. Men can flaunt their singledom off to the world and they are often praised for “waiting for the right one” or “focusing on their careers”. Women, on the other hand, are forced to believe that we could never actually WANT to be single. But what’s wrong with enjoying being single as much as we hear we’ll enjoy being in a relationship.
And since we’re on the topic of answering offensive questions let’s not forget, “How are you still single, you’re so pretty?”. Not only is this question offensive but they are not related! You’re basically telling me that I’m wasting my good genetics on not capturing a man. News flash: THIS IS NOT BRIDGERTON! Can we finally start acting like we live in this century?
Or, you could let these questions and their opinions bother you. It’s completely normal to admit that in a perfect world you would like a companion. Human connection is so important to how we connect and find joy in the world. However, doing the self-work in order to be ready for a relationship that adds value to your life while you’re adding value to theirs is so much more important.
Embracing Singledom
In the meantime, enjoy the singledom perks! As intimidating and lonely it may feel being single in a group setting, it can also be exciting especially if you are meeting new people for the first time.
Imagine the possibilities! You can hit it off with somebody anywhere you go.
You can attend a friend’s birthday party or try a new workout class and your life could change forever. The fact that you can find the “spark” on any given day is exhilarating! Our couple friends don’t have that as their romance fate has been sealed for now and for many in relationships, that spark can also fade away.
There are greater possibilities of meeting people while being single, and that alone can be an adrenaline rush. Remember that there are plenty of people who wish they could experience that same excitement all over again. And if you decide to jump into the dating world make sure you are ready. Have fun with it!
Here are my final thoughts: Don’t be afraid to be single. Be bold enough to not apologize or be ashamed of your single status. Use the time to develop yourself into the type of person you want to be. Learn how to be alone with yourself. And learn who you are without relying on another person to ‘complete you’. Be open to the opportunity of an inspiring relationship. Until you can find someone who tops your “me time”, then be happy and confident and know that YOU ARE ENOUGH!
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